What does bravery mean, as a man?

If you’d asked me this question as a child the answer would have been simple.

I grew up in a world where my father - a big, strong man who worked on the rigs - idolised John Wayne. That was a true brave man; he stood against the bad guys, saved the women and children, rode into the darkness against the guns and the arrows. I had a childhood steeped in post-war English culture, where war movies were played every week. My heroes were the soldiers who marched off to war and gave their lives for king and country, who stood on the bow of the sinking ship and waved the women and children off to safety.

To me, true bravery as the man I wanted to be meant being strong, stoic, hiding and suppressing any fear or emotions. Serving a family, a community, a country, with my life if that was what it took.

I’m not alone in this view - and it is literally killing men, here, today.

This belief is like a siren, calling men to the rocks; trying to hold to this view of what bravery means, they lose touch with their friends more than women do, become frequently less likely to seek help, and then lose hope; three out of four Australians we lose to suicide are men. On a very personal note, I can attest to this. I lost touch with almost every friend I’d ever had, as I buried my head in work - believing if I was just strong enough, stoic enough, protected my family, all would be well. I didn’t seek help - and yes, I reached the point where I sat in a park on a sunny day, working out how to kill myself. I had lost all hope.

So what does it really mean for a man to be brave? After many years, I have a very different view, today, thanks to the men I’ve worked with as a counsellor.

Being brave is being yourself

When I was a kid I learned of a man on the rigs, from my father. He was a huge burly bear of a man, who worked in the most male-oriented environment possible, in the North Sea. He left for leave one time, and returned - in a dress. He asked his colleagues to call him by his new female name.

I cannot comprehend of the bravery that man showed - it is unfathomable. That man had denied who he was until he could do it no more, and chose finally to be honest, in the most terrifying way I can imagine. Never did John Wayne, Indiana Jones or any war hero display more courage than that man showed on that day.

Being brave is putting yourself first

I see men every day who have spent their lives putting others first - their parents, then friends, then their partners and kids. They’ve spent decades chained to jobs they sometimes hate, feeling that they’re doing the right thing. Until the day when they realise they’re contemplating a world without them.

The strongest, bravest men I’ve met are often the men sitting in front of me, pouring out their hearts and putting themselves first, for once, in seeking to understand themselves and make their lives better. That is courage. That is bravery. To be clear that doesn’t mean abandoning others or not caring for them too - but it does mean taking care of yourself, before you take care of those others.

Being brave is not being afraid of who you are

Society tells us what we should be, as men. Once, that was a single message of what being a man meant. Now that message is multiplied - there are many different versions of who we should be.

It takes huge courage to stand against all of those messages, and be someone entirely different. Choosing your own path, whatever that might be, is courage. Being yourself, whatever that means, is strength - especially when the world doesn’t understand you. Recently I was stood behind a young man waiting to order a coffee in a small country town. As I quietly watched him ordering his own drink, I noticed he was wearing some subtle make-up and a pair of dangling earrings. I also noticed that he seemed quite nervous. For a moment I thought about complimenting him on the earrings and saying they suited him, but in the end I stayed quiet, worried I might overstep.

That young man was showing bravery, being the person he wanted to be. I, on the other hand, showed cowardice; in not being brave enough to say what I truly felt, which was acceptance and a desire to connect.

Being brave is being unafraid of being seen as feminine or ‘gay’

In my formative years, there was nothing worse than being perceived as being less of a man than others; unless it was a fancy dress party, you couldn’t have paid me enough to go outside in a skirt or makeup or to behave in ways that others would perceive as feminine or ‘gay’.

Now I know so much better. True strength is the man who is unafraid of crying or showing emotion, the man who is not scared of admitting that he likes to be submissive in the bedroom rather than dominant. Real bravery is not being scared to show your girly side, wear makeup or a dress or make a fool of yourself - to be free, without worrying what others might think.

Being brave is standing up and speaking out

Ask men if they’d jump into a raging river to save a woman or child in peril, and most will say yes. Men like us don’t think twice before throwing ourselves out there to help others in danger, despite the risks to our own lives, and it’s too our credit.

But the man showing real bravery is the man who tells his mates that joke about women was inappropriate, the man who doesn’t ignore a sexist comment about that girl in a short skirt and instead pulls his friends up on it. Real true bravery does not mean sacrificing ourselves for others, but instead accepting our role in helping to end the various prejudices, hatred and sexism that ruins the world for others around us - especially when there’s a price to pay. When speaking out and standing up for others might mean being ostracised and rejected, but you do it anyway; that, my friends, is strength like steel.

It’s a new world - we’re free to be brave, any way we like

Once, bravery meant being strong, silent and dependable - even dispensable. But today men live in a new world, where bravery means being honest with yourself. Bravery can mean telling a male friend you love them, without being scared of how that might be misjudged. It might mean telling your kids and your partner just how much they mean to you - and not just assuming they ‘know’ - without worrying what they might think.

Or it might look like whatever else it is that you want to do.

That man in the earrings was brave. That man on the oil rig was brave.

I’m still working on what brave looks like, for me - and if you want to do the same, give me a call.