Grief storms

Written By Gary Bunker

Grief is not linear. 

We like to think that grief is much like a dark, miserable valley; death drops us off in the middle of that horrible place, and we think if we just keep going, each day we’ll be a little closer to the sun and a little higher above the worst of that valley floor. That view has never been helped by the stage of grief model proposed by Kubler-Ross and used by many (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). It’s handy - but completely untrue; grief is just not that straightforward, something any of us who work with grief could tell you. 

I like to think of grief like the weather - let’s say, winter. You lose someone or something, and suddenly it’s winter. Weather is unpredictable, you can have a gorgeous warm sunny day in the middle of winter - but return to weeks of rain the next. You can get a period where it’s grey and cold, but you can still get about, but not know when the next shower is coming. Grief is like this - sometimes, from minute to minute.

And just like weather, grief has storms.

My first grief storm was with the passing of my father. I received the news when overseas and travelled home for the funeral. I was a young man and it obviously hit me hard, but by the time I made it back to the UK and went through the funeral, I felt I’d seen the worst of it and was slowly beginning the climb out of that valley. But a small, innocuous phone call saw the storm arrive. I broke down, sobbed like never before or since, was unable to move or function for a couple of hours. Eventually the storm broke, and I felt - perhaps a little better, a little emptier of that grief - but as washed out as I could be.

It felt overwhelming and undeniable. That is a grief storm, or a grief attack

When the storm comes

Grief impacts almost every aspect of our lives. Physically, it saps our energy, steals our sleep, destroys interest in food and anything we enjoy. We’re more likely to fall sick or even die when we suffer from grief, it impacts our immune system and overall health at every level.

Emotionally we can ride a roller coaster. We might feel sadness, loss, loneliness and depression, before the coaster rises and we feel irritable, angry, bitter or full of rage. And then there’s the middle ground where we feel nothing - numbness, disconnection, emptiness that seems without end.

Our brains find it hard to concentrate, we forget things and become easily confused - which means life and job become hard, if not impossible. We can’t decide or choose, we think about the person we lost constantly to a distracting level - and we may even lose our beliefs and suffer existential crisis.

In short, grief can steal everything we enjoy in life, and leave us feeling lost, isolated and without hope. And a grief storm can hit at any time, even when we feel we’re over the worst of it. How do you tell if you’re experiencing one? It’s not straightforward, but signs to look for are:

  • A sudden change in the weather
    Just like with a real storm, you feel a drop in the temperature, the wind shift, everything suddenly feels dangerous. If you feel the same in relation to grief, this is a first sign.

  • There’s no ignoring it
    If you can continue on, then it’s probably not a grief storm. If you can’t think straight, can’t do what you need to do, have to stop and sit or lay down, that’s a good sign it’s a grief storm.

  • A feeling of panic
    Physical effects are another clear sign. If you feel anxious, elevated heart and breathing rates, a feeling that the walls are closing in, that’s the storm. Panic attacks and grief attacks are similar, in that sense.

  • A need for, or thinking about, the person you lost
    This is probably the clincher; if at the bottom of everything you’re experiencing you find yourself thinking of or needing the person you lost, that’s the lightning in the storm.

So, what can we do?

How to prepare for it

Grief is unique to us all, and every person we grieve, we might experience the journey somewhat differently. As much as I’d love to offer a quick solution or shortcut, there simply aren’t any. 

But that doesn’t mean you’re helpless - you have several helpful options:

Ride the storm

When bad weather hits you have several options; get angry or upset about it, try to fight the weather or deny it, or - accept it, and go with it.

Those who ride out the storm, being mindful and even curious about it, weather it better - research shows this. Those who try to fight it or deny it struggle more and recover slower. So, your first option is a simple one. Go with it.

When bad weather hits you might stay home, cancel your plans, curl up with a good book by the fire and surrender to the inevitable. When a grief storm hits - you can do the same. Acceptance and mindfulness are simple techniques you can learn online (or with a counsellor) and they absolutely help you to weather the storm, ride it, rather than struggle more.

Bend rather than breaking

There is a Japanese saying: The bamboo that bends is stronger than the oak that resists. When we are inflexible, we tend to break, or break-down, when stresses such as grief hit us. When we’re flexible, we bend, and then recover once the storm ends.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, ACT, is an approach that helps us be more psychologically flexible. In short, it helps us to:

  • Live in the moment (not be drawn into the future or past, where grief pulls us)

  • Accept what is (rather than avoid the world, fight against our loss and struggle with what is NOT)

  • Let go of troublesome thoughts (rather than be tortured by them and see them as ‘truth’)

  • Feel free to be the ‘us’ we want to be (rather than living up to what we feel we should be)

  • Know our values and live that valued life (rather than feel lost and directionless)

Another metaphor that works for this, and it comes from ACT, is ‘dropping anchor’. Think of a ship in the storm, battered and at risk of sinking. You don’t need to stop the storm, you can’t escape it - so drop your sails, drop the anchor, and wait it out. This is a figurative solution to the literal grief storm problem; you survive by being flexible, patient, and waiting it out. 

Again, Counsellors can help you but there are lots of ways to practice ACT today, great books and resources online.

Stay connected

Grief tries to separate us from those who love us - and unfortunately, many people retreat from those suffering grief, since they are scared of saying the wrong thing. I can remember holding a conversation with two middle-aged parents who had just that morning learned of the accidental death of their only son; to say I was scared of saying the wrong thing is like saying the ocean is slightly damp. 

So it takes work - sometimes it helps to plan activities, time, phone calls. If you think of grief storms hitting and you’re on that ship - the more people there to help, the more likely it is you’ll be okay. Stay connected.

Talk it out

And along with that - don’t be scared to talk about your grief. 

Again, others will sometimes find it awkward or difficult or not know what to say - but we all suffer from grief unfortunately and everyone has their own experience to call on. Once people know that you need connection and time, most people are willing to share.

And if they aren’t - go to Griefline or other support services. They have forums and people on the end of the line waiting to help. They will listen, provide you space.

It never helps to bury your pain and just think it will eventually go away - all you are doing is compressing it, making it worse. Talk about your grief, especially those grief storms, and it helps.

Head EAST

One of the simplest lessons in mental health is to head EAST - see this as the basics of good mental health:

  • E - Eating. Eat healthy, regular meals. Grief tries to rob us of our appetites or make us consume all the bad foods. Don’t let it. Eat healthy, regularly, cook something and get active doing it. Good nutrition is an essential for your brain as much as your body, otherwise your brain chemistry starts to go awry and you’re far less likely to survive the storm.

  • A - Activity. Do something active, daily if possible or several times a week if not. Getting out and about, walking, running, swimming, moving boxes, whatever it is. This fires up the natural brain chemistry that makes us feel good, it helps to tire us out and make life feel more engaged. It helps us to physically process and clean out the waste products in our brain. And it feels good doing it.

  • S - Sleep. This is a hard one, as grief can easily rob us of sleep, night after night. But there are things we can do. Eat well, stay active, turn blue light devices off a few hours before sleep, read more than watch movies or TV. Try every sleep enhancing tip there is, to try and get good sleep. Interestingly, recent research is suggesting that often it’s just as important to feel like we’re getting good sleep - so worrying about sleep is somewhat counter-productive. I often lean back on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy at this point; accept that your sleep might not be ideal, and accept the amount of sleep you get. Be mindful when you are sleeping, and try to enjoy it as much as you can. 

  • T - Time. You need time to recharge. Think of yourself like a battery, certain things drain you (work, paying bills, listening to certain politicians), other things recharge that battery. And if you don’t recharge, eventually the battery drains completely and won’t work. Grief is like leaving a light on 24/7, it drains that battery hard. So, recharge. Find things you enjoy. That might be small things, like pulling a few weeds out of the garden or frowning some carrots in a grow box. Or doing a jigsaw puzzle, playing games, it doesn’t matter what - just do it, a little here and there. You’ll be surprised how much it helps.

A few last words

First of all, grief is not a small matter - if you are struggling, get help.

That might be friends, family, neighbours or professional help from the various grief support services or counselling. But whatever it might be, get help - here are some options to look at:

And for more general support:

And if you find your grief is still concerning you more than a year later - that is leading into complex grief, and absolutely needs professional help. At this point I strongly recommend seeing your GP and getting a referral for support. 

You don’t need to fight this alone - help is there.

Until then, please take care of yourselves.

Gary Bunker
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